head over water

literally so busy i have a 5s mental freakout whenever someone asks me when im free to meet

just to preface this — this is a rambly blog post about nothing of importance. as usual. this is just to remind myself next time to not. be. this. crazy. i doubt itll work but it’s worth a shot i guess

i kept saying that the first 2 weeks of being back was an adjusting period. that i’d be free in the next 2 months. but no. i was wrong. i am a moron. i forgot that i make too many plans too many times and promise too many things to too many people because 1. i cant say no to friends 2. i want to do too many things at once

i wish i could say i had my priorities in order. im doubtful. um. it goes friendsworksingsocfamily, and theyre all one giant tier on their own, and then it kinda gets blurry from there. in terms of health, im just not sure if i should be more worried about my failing appetite or my messed up shoulder+neck or my possibly worsening eyesight. i havent really been bothered enough to fix anything but at least im getting massages?? so that helps???? self-care is so important and i really should care more. i’ll try. but sleep is Ultimate Self-Care for me so i’d rather do that at the end of the day instead of confront any other problems i have. if i could sleep my life away i so would. but alas. trademark “i would if i could, but i can’t so i shan’t”.

ugh. it also sucks that whatever free time i have to myself i just end up spacing out or KO-ing on my bed or slowly spiraling. i have so little energy to do something productive for myself lol. i really need to find my groove (thanks jtv) & get shit sorted so i have time for myself. thats important. what isnt important is playing 98 cards while idling on a chair for 3h after fieldwork. sigh idk what im doing help

anyway. this barely made any sense. i am just very extremely exhausted from a day of feeling like im gonna faint & having no appetite or energy. but thank you to jaya for spending such a good afternoon with me. you gave me energy man. people like that are rare and im so grateful for you :’) lil mini dedi that you might never see but i lucked out la. so glad i went on that taiwan trip in y5.

anyways. see yall soon with a new post maybe. i think my blog’s getting more nonsensical & unstructured by the week. by the end of summer maybe i’ll just be posting posts thatre akin to tweets.

speaking of which i should really delete my twitter

goodnight

-sonia

 

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liberation

warning: real “bear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve” suicidal spur-of-the moment here, so just be warned. a lot of rambling and no-flow writing as usual. sigh. idt this will make any sense to anybody oops.

talking to some dear friends about dreams and fantasies has kinda brought out the hidden-so-far-down-it-might-as-well-be-dead romantic side of me. and idk if i like it or not. it’s just uncomfortable to think about.

because i love being alone. i do. the freedom, the feeling of being able to do whatever i want whenever i want with no judgement awaiting me, is incredibly precious to me. and i wouldn’t throw that away for just anyone.

it bothers me. because it’s so easy for me to grow interested in someone. not like, have a crush on them or anything (i maintain that i’ve only really had 3 proper crushes my whole life. and the first one happened when i was 15), but just to find them interesting.  i think that it’s difficult not to find someone interesting once youve started making the effort to get to know them.

but like. romantic stuff?? proper crushes?? not my scene. not for a long time. of course i dreamed of cuddling in on sunday mornings. of course i dreamed of little intimate surprise dinners on special days. and of course i dreamed of being happy with one person forever and ever and ever. but then i realised how suffocating it felt to me. it sounds terrible but it really really did feel that way. for the longest time. i’m more open now but it still scares me to no end.

judgement scares me. i’m a weird kid. i know. i do stupid things all the time and i mess up all the time and i don’t learn nearly as fast enough. and it took me a long ass time to be (more) okay with that on my own, so how the hell am i supposed to trust that someone i’ve known for 5 years, or 3, or less than 1, can do that too? how can i be sure that they wont look at me like everyone else does?

i’m much more open now than i was a long time ago. i’m a lot more shameless, a lot more “come at me” than the past!sonia was. but it still scares me. every single time i put myself out there – be it for a friend or for someone i’m interested in – i get this fear that they’ll hate me. that they’ll reject me like a bad transplant and move on.

i’ve been hurt so many times before that it’s become second nature to expect abandonment. i’ve been disappointed so many times before that it’s become instinctive to just shut down any feelings i may have for someone else.

(this is where the 3 crushes were different. no matter how hard i tried, i couldn’t shake those feelings off. i still get waves sometimes. it’s a process.)

you’d think that i’d be able to deal with people walking away easily since i love being alone so much. but nope. years later and i’m still struggling with abandonment issues. i think because friend A doesnt reply me for days that s/he thinks im clingy & hates me. i think because friend B has a new friend X s/he wont need or want me as much anymore. i get paranoid. i pull away. i distance myself. i push them away. i put so much of myself into my friends that if they leave i feel like part of me’s being ripped away. and boy has that happened enough times for me to shy away from people who remind me of them.

but the part of me that tells me i’m crazy for thinking this pushes me to reach out again. to make a complete fool of myself again. to reach for someone who might not want to be within my reach. and the cycle continues, and the cycle is vicious, but the cycle exists nonetheless.

i still dream of long walks by the beach, sandals in hand and feet in the sand. i still dream of long car rides with soft music but loud voices. i still dream of quiet breakfasts on couches with messy blankets and messy hair.

but i don’t want to remember that i still think of that. i don’t want to think of it. because it hurts. being free is incredible. i wouldn’t trade that for just anybody. but still i yearn for intimacy like that sometimes.

thank goodness gracious that i have friends with me who can do shit like that with me from time to time, because i am an affection-starved spoiled diva who craves quality moments as much as i crave peanut butter. but i know i shouldn’t expect anybody to be there for me like that. and most of the time i don’t. i’ve got to stop thinking of those dreams too much. i’ve got to remember to be happy on my own when i wake, like i’ve always been.

it really will take someone very very special to dig these emotions and feelings up full-force again. it hasn’t been out in years. but sometimes dreams trip me up and it trickles through. like it did tonight.

anyway.

see you soon. this post didnt make sense. but it felt good getting it out anyways.

-sonia

家。

我回来了。

finally. after pushing through & not sleeping a wink for ~24h. after getting on the 5.30am bus and sleeping through two shrieking crying children. after boarding a 13.5h flight in the A380 after having eaten nothing since 3.30am.

i’m home.

thank goodness.

the happiness and relief i felt when i saw the night show at marina bay sands — words can hardly describe it. i just kept repeating “i’m so happy right now”, and i truly felt it.

see you soon (:

-sonia

crazy loving family

hello!

so, yesterday, my friend (+ old JC classmate) posted a series of quotes from when we were in JC. and i got emotional and sentimental, as i do, and i started to reminisce about our class.

our class was insane. like. we had Terrible Tuesdays/Thursdays when we had long 4.10pm days, and to make them feel less Terrible we’d do things like bring soft toys to lectures and tutorials, wear obnoxiously long and colourful socks & tie our hair in braids (guys did tiny pigtails). we also decided to masquerade as secondary school students when the new Y5s came in & wore our secondary school outfits to a biology practical. my CT was so amused by it (also my friend called me a christmas tree. thanks chris).

when it came to decorating our new homeroom (B42 iirc, someone pls correct me if im wrong), we knew we were definitely going to make it look and feel as crazy as we were. so we printed out labels in comic sans of everyday objects (e.g. projector, window, ceiling, wall, door, broom, bin, clock) and stuck them on everything. even on the outsides of our class.

we also created a sleeping corner in the tiny alcove we had between the windows. stuffed it full of pillows and drapes and everything. we’d gone all out. we also had a “HAPPY CORN” that was supposed to be a “HAPPY CORNER” where we wrote cute notes to each other, but by the end of the Civics lessons we had to decorate the room, the “ER” had fallen off and the strings proved too weak to hold up the different coloured envelopes. but well, despite it being a kind of mess, it still felt very Us.

i remember that we also constantly ate during tutorials. like, boxes of baked goods and blueberry cream cookies (ericka!!!!) and oreos and grapes were always being passed around (and dennis would vacuum up the leftovers) while our tutors walked us through tutorials or topics. they generally didnt care (except for that time chris brought wanton mee into lit… or that time china brought bento to civics… or that time china brought yong tau foo to math… or that time dennis & jpl left math to buy food for the rest… math was a fun subject let’s just say) and they were also generally driven to madness (actually, i’d like to think that our class just brought out the mad side they always had, but i’m a little biased). our chemistry & biology teachers formed a real #bromance by the time we graduated (we take all the credit for this), so i think we did some good.

i miss my teachers. so much. i was always the quiet student (thus i’d never made any lasting impressions on them), but i really enjoyed the dynamics between our class and our teachers. i think we got super lucky. we got the best teachers. and i’m not biased — my friends from other classes can #fitemeirl1v1 because i genuinely believe we got the best.

i remember that before i entered RI, my brother told me that the “friends who’ll stick by [me] through A’s will be friends for life“. and yknow what. i think that’s true. it’s been nearly 2 years since we’ve graduated and i still feel the same way about each and every one of my close friends from JC. i miss them like a dull ache in my chest and i miss that classroom dynamic we had with a frightening fury when i let myself think about it. i had the best class in my life in JC. i doubt i will be able to find any other class like it again.

we were in our bubble. our mad, crazy, insanity-borne-for-sanity bubble. the ridiculous jokes we had and the ridiculous pranks we’d pull will last me for a lifetime. the spontaneous runs to chill during long breaks when we were meant to study at raja/in class/at windy benches will always remind me of the only joy i’ve ever felt running. the rush to the canteen, sweaty and breathless and laughing, from the LT or from B42 or from the indoor sports hall after badminton, will fuel my heart with warmth forever.

there’s not much i don’t love about our class. there’s not much i won’t miss. and i am very, very, very grateful to have had them. i wasn’t at my best in J2. in fact i think i was at one of my worsts (im worse this year in uni, would you believe that? idt i’ve had another low quite the same as this), but my friends were there for me. they believed in me, they supported me, and they stuck through it till i got out of that bad place, and then they were still there after.

i am. immensely, irrefutably lucky to have had 16S03B. and i always will be. despite the problems and tensions that we had/have, i am genuinely very very very happy that i was part of this crazy loving class.

i will continue to miss it, like i miss many things, with a fervour. thank you, RI, for giving me some of the best and some of the worst moments of my life. thank you, my friends, for sticking by me through both of those and all the in betweens. thank you, my teachers, for giving me some of the best advice i’ve ever had in my life, and thank you especially for inspiring and encouraging me through some of the most difficult times i’ve ever had in school.

thank you. just. so full of gratitude for each and every person who was a part of my RI journey. and this post was (mostly) just about my class – i haven’t even gone into my bowling batch or the TIP kids yet. and trust me, they were integral to me becoming who i am today.

i’m never gonna stop growing and learning and changing. progress/regression is inevitable. but i think what my brother said will hold true, absolutes and all. i’ve found friends for life. and i cannot be more thankful for that than i am every single day.

thank you.

see you soon with a new post. (:

-sonia

not the best

hello!! i am extremely bored 12h after returning home from cologne and thus have decided to ramble. so,

a thought pops into my head every time i talk to one particular friend.

i’ve not been the best to you

it’s no fault of hers. it’s wholly mine. i always try to be at my best for my friends, no matter what they want or need from me. i always try to do my best and be the best they can get because i just want them to be happy.

but sometimes i slip up, and sometimes through my own failings and through my own over-committing-myself-to-a-billion-things i end up not giving my best to some of my friends. i know, realistically, that i cannot expect myself to be 100% there 100% of the time for 100% of my friends, but still i feel like i lack because of that.

a big part of me hates to be misunderstood by people. a bigger part of me hates to be misunderstood by people i care about. and i think that by not giving them 100% of me 100% of the time, the chances of that happening will only increase.

back to this friend — i’m not sure why, but recently i’ve become so painfully conscious of how little of my best i’ve given to her. there was a period of time when i didn’t see her much — every week i’d be saying “i haven’t seen ___ in so long!!”, and i’d mean it. which is ridiculous, because i surely could’ve spared time for her. i just didn’t get to doing it until it was really late in the semester.

by then, the guilt and the shame had already festered. i had a million things on my plate, but i definitely could’ve made time for her. and i didn’t. i’d left her until life was less hectic and i felt terrible for doing so.

like i said, i understand that it’s unrealistic to have time for everyone, and i know i shouldn’t feel like shit for being human enough to prioritise some things over others, but human relationships and people are incredibly important to me, and the fact that i slipped up so obviously with her hurts me. i hope i can make it up to her, but it doesn’t excuse the fact that i’d not given her my best — even if i truly want to.

anyway. rambling over. i can’t wait to go home and soak up the familiarity and the security.

in the meantime, time to binge watch Jane the Virgin and edit a billion photos i will never post.

see you soon maybe!!

-sonia

只要你快乐

dont read too much into the blog title. also. it’s really amazing to see how many blog posts i can make whilst under the influence of procrastinating my ass off.

anyway, it’s 2 days to my chemistry exam, then it’s 7 days & 8 days to my economics & geography ones respectively. i fully expect third classes from my econs & geog modules because i. kinda. suck at econs & geog (having never really done them) & i have had minimal practice on writing essays for them (i did one geog summative essay in semester 1 & that caused me so much stress i wonder if i can produce half as good of an essay in an exam environment), so i’m banking all my grades for this year on bio & chem. hopefully it goes well & hopefully my h2 chem knowledge will carry me through to the end. cause im pretty sure i attended a total of 10-12 lectures on chemistry in total this year (out of like 30??) 🙂 we’ll see.

continuing on this rambling train of thought that’s going nowhere, yesterday was my dear friend xuan’s birthday & i’d spent a week+ planning for it. i always knew i was gonna do something for her (if u know me at all you know i love planning birthdays for friends. also that i always write sentimental cards all the time. so if you’re close to me expect at least a card on your birthday), but i had no idea what.

i’d spent the last few weeks (possibly months because i’d bring it up whenever i found an opening to) thinking of what she’d like to eat + what she’d like to do on her birthday. at some points i straight up asked her what she wanted to do (“library la got exam leh” sigh this girl) then decided on the Best Possible Day for her. some of my procrastination hours were spent on looking for a good matcha cake recipe/bakery to buy a decent matcha cake from (bless you, eunice shang & ja yee for taking the time & making the incredible effort to bake her that opera cake oh my goodness you guys amaze me), other hours were spent on going through possible questions she could’ve asked me that might’ve ruined the surprise dinner celebration i’d planned for her.

as i was with her nearly every moment of every day leading up to her birthday it wasn’t difficult to gather information & plan things for her without her realising, but on the day itself it was a mess because i was with her still and not at the party location. thank you sososo much eunice for coordinating everyone until we came home!!!! made the entire night go smoothly :’)

xuan really enjoyed her day/night. she was so happy & touched that by the end of it i couldnt stop smiling because she was just sososo happy and wow i love it when i see my friends happy.

(also just an aside, she didnt suspect anything from me — i think this was my biggest accomplishment of all, because she so easily couldve uncovered my plans so many times but i swerved man i swerved good)

ahhhh. heart is so full. so happy i could help her have a good birthday :’) she makes me smile and laugh so much on others, i was so nervous she wouldn’t love the surprise, and i am just so relieved and content. whew.

okie. i should probably get back to studying. or at least trying to.

see you soon maybe!!!!

-sonia