it goes. and. and. and.

of course i miss you.

of course i’m going to hear you when you’re not there and see you when my eyes are closed.

of course there’s a quiet melancholy when the rain hits the window i keep out of sight, when the light i turn on is too cold and too harsh and too reminiscent of times spent in another place.

of course i’ll let myself go. escaping and tumbling into something i barely understand, fighting furiously to keep my head above waves i can barely see — of course it’s difficult and of course it’s confusing.

sometimes i let myself think of the stars.

i havent seen them in so long. are the ones i saw months ago still shining? or have they stopped burning years ago? all that yearning and beauty and incomprehensibility for a dead ball of gas. for that post-mortem glimmer of hope and possibility.

of course i miss that. of course i miss them.

but there’s not a single doubt in my mind when i say — of course i want to be here.

of course i chose this for myself.

i’ve struggled between (what i’ve felt were my) responsibilities/duties/obligations and what i’ve wanted before. of course it isn’t new, and of course it still weighs as heavily on my chest when night falls and when my eyes grow weary.

of course sometimes it hurts so much i can’t breathe. of course sometimes i try to cry but no tears flow. i’d known all along that this wouldn’t be a cure-all. would’ve been incredibly foolish to believe in something even half as insane as that.

but yknow. i’ll take one step at a time. and i’ll move as fast as i can and i’ll learn as much as i can before i’m too exhausted to carry on anymore.

because, because, because, of course, of course, it’s all i can do. it’s all i know how to do. and of course, i’ll do my best.

be patient. when you read back on this you’ll be glad. i promise.



#134 – enchanting evenings


yay finally a non-sad post!! rejoice, rejoice (and fall to your knees)

two days ago, ECC had our annual choir concert at SOTA 😄 we’d spent months rehearsing for 1.5h of stage time & though i felt ready before, the moment they told us to get into our rows to go on stage, i felt like my stomach was gonna drop out of my body.

in the lead-up to this concert there were many stressful & frustrating moments. i was tired and demoralized (and ready to throw in the towel at times), but the elation and joy at being on stage again eventually swept all of it away. 

seeing my friends there was a huUUUuge plus too!! thank you to joshua, han, evan, dylan, chris, jaya, ericka, jarret, sheng, yan, tasha, tricia, amanda, setho & ramon for coming!!!! & manymany thank yous to my other friends (sheena, qd, dennis, valerie, gitta, dawn, alex & ritika) for supporting & encouraging me throughout these few months of exhausting rehearsals!!! what would i do without you ;__;

couldnt have done it without some super special choir members as well — to the kids & youths section, thank you so much for always being energetic enough to raise my energy levels during rehearsals!!! you guys are so Cute and Beautiful and i couldnt imagine choir without each and every one of you there to perk me up. the little 7-Up & Murderer breaks we had (during which i was constantly eating) genuinely lifted my mood, so thank you!!!! and to the adults, notably lynn, elise & acid, thank you for always being there to guide and assist us during rehearsals!! i really enjoy hanging out with you & your kids!!!!! let’s hang out again soon ✌

and of course, much gratitude to our conductor ms khor & our accompanist bertrand!! rehearsals were extremely productive thanks to your quick understanding of each other and of the music. it was really a treat getting to sing for (& with) you and i hope we did you proud!!

still reallyreally full on love and happiness from saturday 😊😊 dont know when this quiet high will fade but i will keep it in mind the next time i’m feeling worn out during rehearsals. one down, 3 to go. whew 💪💪💪

dear future!sonia, i hope you still feel the same sweeping joy when you step out on stage next. i know you might be too busy to perform but i hope you made time for it, cause you truly love it. to help jog your memory, here are some photos from saturday. cause why not 😊😊

yay for concerts and yay for butterflies in your stomach and yay for the applause 😊 cant wait to perform again!!! 22&23 july, we’re coming for you ✌✌✌

see you (maybe) soon!!!

– sonia

#125 – the first goodbye


wow i really do only sit down to write when i’m sad… this is slightly depressing…

anyway, to preface this, today was a great day — i went to CSB to hang before i met with Tiffy for lunch (at Real Food! i had a vegan lentil croquette burger with 3 onion rings & vegan potato salad), then we walked & talked & i had a mango ice cream scoop from Pong!! we ended the hang with me walking her to her physiotherapy appointment & i went off to meet Fish, Ma & Pa for a quickquick bite.

found myself walking down a very interesting street to a little, little cafe at Telok Ayer Street, where we sat on high chairs and ate/talked/messed around for an hour or so.

during this short, short hour, it transpired that fish was swimming away from us, and that today was fish’s last day. had i not accepted the spontaneous offer to join them (who had also spontaneously decided to get a meal), i wouldn’t have discovered this very important piece of news till it was too late.

my reaction to this is probably melodramatic, as i’ve always known that no one at CSB would stay forever (i mean, everyone is ridiculously young — they have so many options and so many avenues to try out, so why would they stay at one place?), but something about my friend leaving right in front of me hit me hard.

i always looked forward to seeing fish. every day i walked through the back door, my instinct was to check the kitchen to see if she was there. if i saw her i’d get a surge of joy, of excitement that my friend was here and that i’d be spending at least a few hours working with her. if she wasn’t downstairs, i’d trod on up, hoping to see her there instead. some days she was, some days she wasn’t. i’d go on all the same. it never affected me — i think as humans we deceive ourselves by believing in permanence; in forever.

one of my other co-workers once said that “there’s no such thing as forever”, which, yknow, is very true. some things are lasting, some things are fleeting, but nothing’s gonna persist for an indefinite, infinite amount of time.

we see the world through hopeful, idealistic glasses when we talk about forever. when we talk about permanence. then something changes and it shakes us more than it should. we were always prepared — so why does it still hurt? are we hard-wired to subconsciously believe in forever? so that we can carry on with our routines, so that we can anchor ourselves to a comfortable period in our lives?

i’ve talked about how the constant changing motion of society calms and excites me simultaneously. it means that there will be progress. it means that there will be obstacles. it means that there will be solutions. stagnation scares me to no end.

but it still hurts. it still shocked me to learn that my friend, who i believed would be with me till i left for university, was leaving when i’d just barely begun to know her.

of course i wish her well — all i want is for her to be happy, and if she has to leave to find happiness, then i will hug her goodbye and miss her presence for weeks.

a new norm will worm its way into my life. it’ll never be the same (where can i find another fish so enigmatic and beautiful?), but a new norm will come to be. i know i’m being too dramatic, too exaggerated. all that sits in my chest is a quiet melancholy that will go away halfway through the night when i’m trying to beat my MOTN insomnia, and when i wake up tomorrow morning i will be fine. i know this.

and yet.

i’ll miss fish. i never doubted that. i’ll miss everyone eventually, because that’s life and that’s how we function.

so i’ll miss her, and i’ll be okay in the morning, and i’ll go to work as usual and feel the usual things. i’ll stop by the kitchen to see if the rest are there, say hi, and trod on up to see if they’re there too.

if i don’t see them for weeks upon quiet weeks, i’ll swallow the dismay and plonk down as usual, and miss them, and so on and so forth.

i’ll see you with another post soon.


#120 – failings and fallings


i tend to only write here when i’m upset. i wonder why.

so i’ve found a new workplace — still in the f&b business but much more front-line than before. work is great because my coworkers are lovely but there are still times when i slip up, mess up, screw up and take it extremely hard, even when no one is looking. 

i am a forgetful person. i tend to forget important things and this is definitely not an ideal trait in any profession – it’s so horribly destructive that i doubt anyone would enjoy working with someone like me – much less in ths f&b line where you have to remember 1001 things at all times. everyone is kind and patient and understanding, and i’ve only been working here for about 5-6 weeks, but they’ve already become a sort of family to me.

i am afraid of disappointing people. i am terrified of disappointing people i hate, much less people i like. i think all my close friends have seen me absolutely crushed or destroyed because i failed to live up to expectations (be it my own or others) before. the most vivid one i can remember is breaking down and completely losing it during j2 when i realised that i wasn’t studying enough, that i wasn’t good enough to get the grades i wanted (well there was also the one time i cried publicly from pain during training but i try not to think about that). i blanked out and lost everything — my focus, my drive, my energy, my memory. it was as if to protect myself my body and brain had to shut down. 

i am absolutely petrified of disappointing anyone. i know that it’s silly, that i shouldn’t place my worth in other’s hands, but i have always been this way and it’s difficult to change my mindset. the moment i feel as if someone has a less-than-stellar impression of me, i start to shut down. i start to lose hope and fervour. which, yknow, is way worse than just brushing it off & continuing on my merry way. i’ve been good at hiding it recently, i think — no one has called me out on my bluff yet, and one of my coworkers even believes i am an extrovert! how peculiar and strange. i cannot believe that i’ve managed to keep up this exterior for so long when i am so near them every single day.

they have yet to see me when i am Gone, i believe. repressing is at an all time high now. although i genuinely love and enjoy work and ache to return to stand alongside my coworkers (& friends), i am still anxious and worried about what will happen when i am Gone. will i be able to handle it like a robot? will my forced smiles fade only to be replaced by a clean mask of politeness and stoicism? 

knowing myself, showing up to work Gone or suddenly being plunged into the abyss during work is an inevitable circumstance. i must learn how to deal with it. i must learn how to be at my top form even when i am breaking down on the inside. even if that is unhealthy, i can let go after. everything happens after, like a dam that holds back the river till people deem it ready to let go. 

this is not strength. because i am a coward. because i am not strong enough to face my real problems and solve them. instead, i hide beneath and procrastinate. and put it off. and put it off.

i wish i could stop being like this. i wish i could stop looking to others for approval and validation. it isn’t easy. i will try my best to find my own worth. confidence makes life run smoother, i think. hesitation due to fear will hurt you. 

well, that was a heavy post. i needed to get it out, i suppose.

see you (probably not) soon with a new update, future!me.


#111 – bad days and bad nights

hello future!sonia.

i guess i have to accept that the emptiness and the sadness are legitimately part of my daily life. 

i’m not gonna lie. i thought it was because of stress and studies that i constantly felt so down and worn out. i thought that with As gone that i’d just be on an upward trajectory and leave all the hurt behind. 
i was wrong. and it took the entirety of today to figure that out.

please trust me. please trust yourself, future!sonia. i know you’ll think i’m being melodramatic & that i’m making it all up in my head. i know how paranoid you are. but please trust me.

trust me when i say that i now can confirm that it isn’t a stress thing. the past 2 days have been nothing but mirth (dinner + htht with valerie, bbq with TIP & concert + dinner with elliot & jonah) and companionship. work is hardly a stressor since you enjoy it, and yet. and yet. and yet.

the weight is still pushing down on your chest. the hands are still around your throat. and you still have no idea why you’re suddenly numb and hollow when you were singing your lungs out to a happy song just moments before. 

you took a nap in a bid to get rid of the sudden urge to stop. it didn’t help. you feel nothing and yet you feel everything — the ache, the constriction, the dull pain that resides everywhere and nowhere at once. fleeting but omnipresent. 

you caught yourself just as you were dissociating and forced yourself into a nap. now you’re not even sure if what you’re seeing and thinking and typing is really happening. your brain’s slowed down and your movements are mechanical at best.

future!sonia, if you get this message, this isn’t a dream.

bad days and bad nights still happen. you should probably get checked out. you should probably stay in a safe place surrounded by safe people. 

i’m still learning. i’m still hoping against hope that ignoring it will make it go away. because it’s easier that way.

i’ve been so weary for so long. every day is another opportunity to forget. and repress. and shove a lid on it because confronting it scares me to no end.

i guess i have to one day. i guess i have to stop being such a meek little cowardly thing and confront it to beat it.

i thought it was over. damn. 

this was a bad day. this is a bad night. 

see you maybe, future!sonia.

#107 – of days past

hello!! (:

soooo i took an extremely long hiatus from this blog… oops. after the last post, things got crazy & too much for me to keep posting, and i’ve been going out every single day since As ended (since nov 29) .-. this christmas weekend is the only time i have from nov 29 – dec 30 when im not going out & can stay at home to recuperate, so im gonna milk this weekend for all its worth

before i forget though, i’ll do a quick rundown of the past month or so!! i’ve missed so many of my friends & have been filled with so much love and happiness this month that i feel quite emotional just thinking about it. well, here we go, future sonia:

nov 29 – A’s ENDED!!!! went to century square to get your face/brows threaded with han (:

nov 30 – tried to learn how to cycle in the morning with dennis (failed) & accidentally swore near to deo’s mom @@ dennis felt so bad about it he bought a bottle of water for you & you were touched if not a bit disappointed in yourself. met up with the batch at eunos to celebrate boaz’s bday!! rae, bert, joy & sha were there too (: travelled to ECP (with a tiny lil hiccup cause boaz put in the wrong address to the uber) & got the tandem bike which you shared with rae + sha!! learned how to cycle a bit at kallang stadium (not before slamming into the side of marina barrage when bert tried to teach you & you freaked tho), so it was a phenomenal day in all (:

dec 1 – went to dylan’s house to try recording a song!! unfortunately your vocals werent used cause they were not to the same beat as the instruments but its okay because you made new friends + learned more about music production (:

dec 2 – ramon, amanda + setho came over to your house!! yall ate sushi, played card games & chilled. (hadnt seen them in what felt like years but yall still had a great time)

dec 3 – chilled day where you went out for a massage!! didnt do much this day (i think) but it was still a good break (:

dec 4 – went over to han’s house to bake an avocado lemon cake for evan’s bday!!!!! han taught u about all things girly (she painted your nails black + did your brows) & gave you a lot of food. yall also talked about pentatonix a lot (because you love them, especially mitch grassi) + just had a sublime time in general. the avocado cake turned out amazing & yall were so happy about it!! then came the time to surprise evan at her house — it was 9pm & she was still napping (having gotten home at around 5-6??) so yall had to be sneakysneaky. emmanuel took a video of yall sneaking in with the cake, candles lit, before bursting into song. evan genuinely thought you were her family/church friends & when she realised who you were she was so shocked & surprised (she also thought the cake smelled of chicken & you thought it was you cause you ate chicken doria from saizeriya earlier)!! yall sat around eating the cake & talking for a while before you & han had to go home. it was a stellar night all around. yayy

dec 5 – htht-ed with nadine in the morning in school before meeting yongqi to plan the taiwan trip!! planning went smoothly (yall didnt follow the itinerary when yall were there tho lol) (:

dec 6 – went to new2u with yongqi!! + had a vegetarian lunch at fortune centre (: you found some really nice clothes (you spent $42 in total omg) and were very happy for the rest of the day

dec 7 – baked at zimin’s house with the rest of creebeebee (except alice who couldnt make it ):)!!!!! yall baked peach-mango sponge cakewiches with peach filling + cream cheese frosting (: it was delicious!!!! yall had pizza for lunch & western food (you had the fish & chips) for dinner. watched the great escape (cried), talked a lot about random things & just chilled with people youd missed for ages and ages. so full of love for this bunch.

dec 8 – prom!!!! (+ pansexual pride day!) you had a chill morning & afternoon before starting to prepare for prom — you wore a black dress, black faux leather jacket & your black&white skechers sneakers. you had an incredible time sitting next to china (who u have some cool photos with) and talking to all the friends who made RI great (: before prom (cause you got there wayyy too early), you and joshua hung around waiting for your other friends to arrive & had a good time just chatting (: the rest of prom was just full of running around to take photos, subtly eating from the non-lactose-intolerant-designed menu & having a great time with your friends. yayayayay.

dec 9 – met jonah in the morning to “cycle” (hahahahahahahah you didnt cycle) and take photos!! havent seen him in months so this was way overdue (: then you met han for lunch at fortune centre & went to chinatown to eat cakes from well dressed salad bar!! though yall were caught in a downpour otw back to the mrt station, you had a good time with han (ofc you did you always do) & went home feeling happy

dec 10 – national gallery with evan!!! both of you were late (by like 30-40mins oops) but after lunch yall had fun walking around the museum & reading things for like 4-5h. your legs + brain were dead by the end of the day BUT you had an amazing time with evan (as usual)!! #soniagelyn

dec 11 – you met up with claire!! FINALLY after so many long months!!!! + you finally tried the acai bowl youve been talking about for years & loved it (you spend the next few days before taiwan making blueberry nicecream bowls to try & recreate the taste), yall walked along scape & chanced upon some questionable activity, and just htht-ed & chilled & had a wonderful time as usual. took lots of selfies & ate too much food & found VEGAN!!!! green tea popcorn from muji that was delicious.

dec 12 – went out with gitta & valerie to try this vegetarian place in katong shopping centre!! valerie was ~1h late cause she was having stomach problems so you & gitta ate first. after that you guys walked around trying to find things to do but ended up just sitting at the water playground on the rooftop of I12 playing heads-up & chilling for ages. you hadnt seen them in soooo long so this was veryvery welcome.

dec 13 – new2u with kel!!!! it was a successful trip yet again (you FINALLY found a pair of denim shorts omg) & yall had long john silver for lunch (hadnt eaten here in years) before catching moana which made you cry like a baby (every single time a stingray came on, waterworks). after that you had dinner at fortune centre with rae ann & htht-ed with her while walking around bugis+ for ages. this day was so full of love and companionship ahh.

dec 14 – went to changi city point with erjie & mama to buy skechers!! you bought 2 pairs of shoes (one colourful & one b&w) and walked around getting last minute supplies for taiwan. then you went home to rest a lil before heading to the airport to catch your!!! flight!!!!

dec 15 to 22 – taiwan trip!! will post the details of this soon (as this post is already exceedingly long), but you basically had an amazing time spending it with your marvellous friends (:

dec 23 – job interview part 1!! you were really nervous beforeduringafter the interview but it went smoothly & you were sooo relieved when it was over!! you also went to chris’s house for a class christmas dinner & realised just how much you missed your classmates. i love you 3B i dont ever wanna leave

okay that’s the quick summary of my holiday thus far!! dw future!sonia, youll get details of the taiwan trip eventually.

see you soon(?) with the next post!!

– sonia