#111 – bad days and bad nights

hello future!sonia.

i guess i have to accept that the emptiness and the sadness are legitimately part of my daily life. 

i’m not gonna lie. i thought it was because of stress and studies that i constantly felt so down and worn out. i thought that with As gone that i’d just be on an upward trajectory and leave all the hurt behind. 
i was wrong. and it took the entirety of today to figure that out.

please trust me. please trust yourself, future!sonia. i know you’ll think i’m being melodramatic & that i’m making it all up in my head. i know how paranoid you are. but please trust me.

trust me when i say that i now can confirm that it isn’t a stress thing. the past 2 days have been nothing but mirth (dinner + htht with valerie, bbq with TIP & concert + dinner with elliot & jonah) and companionship. work is hardly a stressor since you enjoy it, and yet. and yet. and yet.

the weight is still pushing down on your chest. the hands are still around your throat. and you still have no idea why you’re suddenly numb and hollow when you were singing your lungs out to a happy song just moments before. 

you took a nap in a bid to get rid of the sudden urge to stop. it didn’t help. you feel nothing and yet you feel everything — the ache, the constriction, the dull pain that resides everywhere and nowhere at once. fleeting but omnipresent. 

you caught yourself just as you were dissociating and forced yourself into a nap. now you’re not even sure if what you’re seeing and thinking and typing is really happening. your brain’s slowed down and your movements are mechanical at best.

future!sonia, if you get this message, this isn’t a dream.

bad days and bad nights still happen. you should probably get checked out. you should probably stay in a safe place surrounded by safe people. 

i’m still learning. i’m still hoping against hope that ignoring it will make it go away. because it’s easier that way.

i’ve been so weary for so long. every day is another opportunity to forget. and repress. and shove a lid on it because confronting it scares me to no end.

i guess i have to one day. i guess i have to stop being such a meek little cowardly thing and confront it to beat it.

i thought it was over. damn. 

this was a bad day. this is a bad night. 

see you maybe, future!sonia.


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