#120 – failings and fallings

hello!

i tend to only write here when i’m upset. i wonder why.

so i’ve found a new workplace — still in the f&b business but much more front-line than before. work is great because my coworkers are lovely but there are still times when i slip up, mess up, screw up and take it extremely hard, even when no one is looking. 

i am a forgetful person. i tend to forget important things and this is definitely not an ideal trait in any profession – it’s so horribly destructive that i doubt anyone would enjoy working with someone like me – much less in ths f&b line where you have to remember 1001 things at all times. everyone is kind and patient and understanding, and i’ve only been working here for about 5-6 weeks, but they’ve already become a sort of family to me.

i am afraid of disappointing people. i am terrified of disappointing people i hate, much less people i like. i think all my close friends have seen me absolutely crushed or destroyed because i failed to live up to expectations (be it my own or others) before. the most vivid one i can remember is breaking down and completely losing it during j2 when i realised that i wasn’t studying enough, that i wasn’t good enough to get the grades i wanted (well there was also the one time i cried publicly from pain during training but i try not to think about that). i blanked out and lost everything — my focus, my drive, my energy, my memory. it was as if to protect myself my body and brain had to shut down. 

i am absolutely petrified of disappointing anyone. i know that it’s silly, that i shouldn’t place my worth in other’s hands, but i have always been this way and it’s difficult to change my mindset. the moment i feel as if someone has a less-than-stellar impression of me, i start to shut down. i start to lose hope and fervour. which, yknow, is way worse than just brushing it off & continuing on my merry way. i’ve been good at hiding it recently, i think — no one has called me out on my bluff yet, and one of my coworkers even believes i am an extrovert! how peculiar and strange. i cannot believe that i’ve managed to keep up this exterior for so long when i am so near them every single day.

they have yet to see me when i am Gone, i believe. repressing is at an all time high now. although i genuinely love and enjoy work and ache to return to stand alongside my coworkers (& friends), i am still anxious and worried about what will happen when i am Gone. will i be able to handle it like a robot? will my forced smiles fade only to be replaced by a clean mask of politeness and stoicism? 

knowing myself, showing up to work Gone or suddenly being plunged into the abyss during work is an inevitable circumstance. i must learn how to deal with it. i must learn how to be at my top form even when i am breaking down on the inside. even if that is unhealthy, i can let go after. everything happens after, like a dam that holds back the river till people deem it ready to let go. 

this is not strength. because i am a coward. because i am not strong enough to face my real problems and solve them. instead, i hide beneath and procrastinate. and put it off. and put it off.

i wish i could stop being like this. i wish i could stop looking to others for approval and validation. it isn’t easy. i will try my best to find my own worth. confidence makes life run smoother, i think. hesitation due to fear will hurt you. 

well, that was a heavy post. i needed to get it out, i suppose.

see you (probably not) soon with a new update, future!me.

-sonia

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