first of all, hi to everyone who is blood-related to me, this should come as no surprise to you but please dont breathe down my neck about this OR tell anyone else blood-related about it. thanks. i know i have a few more months to go before im home but i would kill to avoid the chaotic meltdown thats bound to greet me should word of this get out there. then again i guess i should expect it in some form because this is a public blog & my sister(s?) have already found it. i just hope i wont be forced into doing anything i dont wanna do. just fyi, i am getting better, this has been a 9 year battle, but i am getting better. i promise. so.
trigger warning: self-harm, mental/mood disorder
so, it’s been a while since i’ve fucked up.
and people know but once again i cant be assed to give two fucks.
i ran out of space. i wasnt thinking. and i did it, and when i woke up from it i panicked, and i was terrified.
now theyll know. now theyll know. now theyll know.
suffice to say, i am a tiny bit self-conscious about this, cause a friend once pointed my wrists out to a whole group of classmates once and it kinda scarred (hahaha) me 🙂
ive managed to keep it on the down-low for a very long time (the only knock-back being the fact that some days i cant walk or sit or stand or laugh or cough or sneeze without feeling like my thighs are on fire), but then 2 days back (wednesday night??) i felt so drained from having a shitty ass day (missed both lessons, ate a shitty lunch, was extremely unproductive, had to hype up my energy like crazy to keep pretenses up & hide the fact that i just wanted to stop) that i just. couldnt.
and i ran out of space.
so i reached upwards.
and i fucked up.
i remember being so horrified that i just kept repeating “i fucked up i fucked up i fucked up” and yeah, the aftermath wasnt pretty either. i was a lot better in the morning (and then a lotlot better that afternoon, but that is an experience for a future post), but nothing couldve undone what i’d done the night before.
my friends were right to be angry, to be upset, to be concerned. i’m sorry i let you down again. i’m sorry i let me down again. ever since new years eve 2017 ive been relapsing and relapsing and i dont know why, but i promise i will do better.
i will try harder.
for my friends, for my nieces and nephew and baby cousins, for myself.
because i deserve to love myself. and that sounds cheesy as fuck but i rarely, rarely, rarely love myself enough to take care of myself. it’s gotten to the point where one of my closest friends (bless u bert) applauded me when i did something for myself (“finally, youre learning how to take care of yourself first”)… and i need to do better.
i will be patient and i will be kind and i will be forgiving towards me. but i will also be determined, ruthless and merciless against the urges and the temptations.
i’ll see you soon.