today, i dream

once again, found an old poem in the depths of my xiaomi note’s notes. and since i am in desperate need of catharsis and self-expression tonight, here goes absolutely nothing

your hair falls in your face
and you laugh with that grace
your eyes are made of starlight –
– i’ve never seen a smile that bright

there’s that sparkle in you
i see it, i see it through and through
would do anything to keep it alive
is the sun in you? i can’t decide.

and although sometimes it dims,
though it’s only a matter of time ‘fore it begins,
no one can shake my stance, my resolve
no one will move me, will make me dissolve

made a promise to myself to be here
even if i cant stay the whole year
just want to keep that smile on your face
because i know, i know, you’re in a safe place

though i’ll never be The One
and that i’ll eventually have to run
i still want you to smile, to soldier on,
to keep that light inside you though i am gone.

ah. the sweet taste of amateur poetry, infantile rhymes and depressingly non-structured structure.

i always do the same thing sigh i should try more rhyme schemes/proper form

see u maybe soon




i found a very (very) old poem (im p sure i wrote it 2 years ago) and decided to finish it. first 2 stanzas were written by past!sonia & the rest are by current!sonia

you speak of him like he’s the cross round your neck
little tiny glints of silver and you’re tied to him for life
your voice that gleams, full of mirth, you say he set you free
but i see your lips tremble, see you’re trembling ‘fore me

he looks at you like you’re gossamer and he’s gold
thinks you need him, but angel you truly don’t
you’re made of starshine, of dust and clouds
you don’t need that inferno bringing you down

for now it’s clear that your eyes don’t see
the raging cumulus cloud that’s hanging over top
your ears are deaf to the thunder brewing,
and he wraps you ’round him, can’t get a clear shot

angel, you think he’s the Sun you chose to orbit
and yes, he burns hot, burns and burns so that you feel it
but he’s not a star, he’s not the celestial in your mind
and he’s certainly not got the love you want to find

so take your wings and mend them slowly,
take your strength and grow it patiently,
for your halo sits atop a mighty soul
and he doesn’t deserve you —

not while his heart bleeds cold.

o wow okie catharsis achieved. see u soon maybe


role: sober insomniac


so last night, i went out clubbing with my friends. first off, i really liked my dress. im probably gonna wear it out a lot more, and finallyfinally i have a red dress — bless.

okay, anyway, tiny half-assed poem as usual. *cracks knuckles*

the lights were too bright,
the wait way too long.

i wanna be on the floor,
be with the music alone.

there’s no easy way to move,
(don’t like his arm around my waist)
the beats obscure their voices,
while i try to find a familiar face.

there’s a lot of moving in here,
lots of holding hands and dresses.
don’t grab my neck, just grab my neck,
think i’m too used to these fleeting pressures.

you lean in close, i’ll tilt my head –
looking for a girl on her own –
and when i find her, to her i’ll go
won’t hear you over the speaker’s groan.

there’s this other girl i love,
and she’s sometimes on her feet.
but when i get to her (and i will)
i’ll be listening to her heartbeat.

her body hums like a symphony
and her smile’s sometimes too sad
i want to right the wrongs they’ve done
never want her to feel neglect

when i hold her i want the world to stop
to let her be in my arms forever
“i won’t let the world hurt you” i lie
her burdens are light as a feather

my arms aren’t the walls she needs
they aren’t the strength that’s inside her
she’s good and brave and all that’s right
wish she’d wake up a believer

there isn’t a thing i wouldn’t do
to have her say “i love me” sober
there isn’t a sea i wouldn’t cross
if that could make her happier

but the lights are too bright,
and the vodka’s all but gone.
the night’s cold, the music dim,
don’t know how long this’ll go on.

i watch her leave, i want to follow
but there are places even i can’t go.
so i hope in my heart she’ll be alright
that she’ll wake up safe tomorrow.

whew. that turned out kinda solemn. but yeah. maybe i love my friends too much??

see you (soon maybe) with another post. have a great weekend, and happy chinese new year to all my chinese friends (: have a great year of the dog everyone!!


week-old coffee


this is a really random blog post. this is a procrastination!blog post. because obviously those are the best.

today marks a week after contracting tonsillitis. wikipedia and most of the rest of the internet says i should be well by now, and by all accounts i am, save for the chesty cough and the kitchen tap i have for a nose.

and i am definitely significantly better this morning than i have been this past week because of one amazing, incredible, momentous thing.

i finally had my coffee.

i’d stupidly made this batch of cold brew (in the crudest of forms, please don’t come for me if you’re a barista or a coffee lover i was too lazy to brew fresh hot coffee every morning) the night before i became ill. gorgeous grinds from Pact, filtered water, a Bodum french press my sister got me for Christmas, the works. the holy trinity. the epitome of morning bliss.

enter tonsillitis.

and together with it, a week of staring at the french press in my fridge wondering if coffee could go mouldy.

well, i googled how long cold brew could keep in a fridge and apparently it can last 2 weeks, so god bless modern cooling techniques. out poured the sweet, black coffee into my little $2 Daiso bamboo cup, and i swear i’d never felt joy like that in a long time. it wasn’t as sour as i’d remembered (maybe the additional 7 days in the fridge mellowed it out?), and i could actually taste the notes of milk chocolate this time. perhaps staying away from coffee for so long only made me appreciate it more.

but. never again will i stray for that long. a girl needs her coffee.

even if it’s a week-old.

see you soon (???) with a new post!!!


Suddenly, A Memory

this is a poem about a friend who is veryvery close to my heart. this memory randomly popped into my head as i was about to shower & obviously i couldnt ignore it, therefore:

it’s the early rays of afternoon
cant feel my head, cant hear the gloom
i want to hold you close and tight
but i curl up instead, i try to hide

you’re the friend i dont deserve
the one who rubs away the hurt
i see your eyes as you touch my scars
and i can feel the pain in me leaving fast

never again do i want to upset you
(though i know “never”s too good to be true)
and you’re not perfect, but to me you’re gold
you’re something i desperately want to hold

though the weight you pick up makes me frown
you’re still treading water — you will not drown
always knew you were too good to be beaten
it’s your strength that makes your arms my haven

i feel too much and i think in circles
but you’re always there to make my eyes crinkle
to haul me to nap at 8 at night,
“who needs to study? it’ll be alright”

it baffles me to think i found someone this dear,
someone who makes colours of what was once austere,
someone who might be far — but who feels so near.

when i see you next, i’ll smile, i’ll laugh
my heart’ll swell, and i’ll feel your love
thank you for being my hope, my friend
thank you for sticking by me to the end.


ate up my bio work time. oh well i was procrastinating anyways




first of all, hi to everyone who is blood-related to me, this should come as no surprise to you but please dont breathe down my neck about this OR tell anyone else blood-related about it. thanks. i know i have a few more months to go before im home but i would kill to avoid the chaotic meltdown thats bound to greet me should word of this get out there. then again i guess i should expect it in some form because this is a public blog & my sister(s?) have already found it. i just hope i wont be forced into doing anything i dont wanna do. just fyi, i am getting better, this has been a 9 year battle, but i am getting better. i promise. so.

trigger warning: self-harm, mental/mood disorder

so, it’s been a while since i’ve fucked up.

and people know but once again i cant be assed to give two fucks.

i ran out of space. i wasnt thinking. and i did it, and when i woke up from it i panicked, and i was terrified.

now theyll know. now theyll know. now theyll know.

suffice to say, i am a tiny bit self-conscious about this, cause a friend once pointed my wrists out to a whole group of classmates once and it kinda scarred (hahaha) me 🙂

ive managed to keep it on the down-low for a very long time (the only knock-back being the fact that some days i cant walk or sit or stand or laugh or cough or sneeze without feeling like my thighs are on fire), but then 2 days back (wednesday night??) i felt so drained from having a shitty ass day (missed both lessons, ate a shitty lunch, was extremely unproductive, had to hype up my energy like crazy to keep pretenses up & hide the fact that i just wanted to stop) that i just. couldnt.

and i ran out of space.

so i reached upwards.

and i fucked up.

i remember being so horrified that i just kept repeating “i fucked up i fucked up i fucked up” and yeah, the aftermath wasnt pretty either. i was a lot better in the morning (and then a lotlot better that afternoon, but that is an experience for a future post), but nothing couldve undone what i’d done the night before.

my friends were right to be angry, to be upset, to be concerned. i’m sorry i let you down again. i’m sorry i let me down again. ever since new years eve 2017 ive been relapsing and relapsing and i dont know why, but i promise i will do better.

i will try harder.

for my friends, for my nieces and nephew and baby cousins, for myself.

for myself.

because i deserve to love myself. and that sounds cheesy as fuck but i rarely, rarely, rarely love myself enough to take care of myself. it’s gotten to the point where one of my closest friends (bless u bert) applauded me when i did something for myself (“finally, youre learning how to take care of yourself first”)… and i need to do better.

i will.

i promise.

i vow.

i will be patient and i will be kind and i will be forgiving towards me. but i will also be determined, ruthless and merciless against the urges and the temptations.

fight me.

i’ll see you soon.


spontaneous sobering sparks

yay alliteration!!

here’re some snapshots of life in birmingham thus far, because future!sonia, it’s been incredible.

realised that most of these were taken during winter ball but hey it was a really fun night + everyone was there 🙆

this blog has just become a dump of various things which was so not how i intended it, but im sure future!sonia will prefer looking at photos to trying to decipher younger!sonia’s haphazard writing

see you soon maybe ✌

— sonia