so i’ve just finished my biology exam and whoo can i tell you a thing or two i realised i have no clue about
a lil memory popped into my mind when i offhandedly mentioned my knee injury to my friend just minutes ago (aside: i seem to be stuck in nostalgia most of the time).
i remember being at back-to-back trainings for A Div in 2016 & i remember the one time i broke down and cried in public (in PUBLIC oh my goodness) because my everything hurt so bad. it was the 4th(3rd? cant remember exactly) consecutive day of training and my knee had already gone by this point (i have/had a partially torn ACL in my left knee and i needed/need??? a brace to bowl otherwise i’d p much collapse by the 3rd game), so the strain was placed on my left hip instead.
near the end of this training session my left hip started to hurt so bad i couldn’t walk without feeling a sharp pain go up my knee to my hip. it throbbed and it hurt so bad but i refused to sit down. even when my captain (bless you bert) told me to stop training, i stubbornly refused and persisted. it was only when i genuinely couldn’t stop the tears from coming forth did i listen to him.
(i still remember him asking me if i hated him for making me stop training. stupid kid. why the heck would i hate you for taking care of me when i couldn’t.)
i felt so shameful. i was consumed with embarrassment and guilt and so many negative emotions that i didn’t want to face my coaches or my friends or my team or any of their parents ever again.
then my parents came, saw me sit down (& not bowl for the rest of training) & naturally assumed i was being lazy & was using my ACL as an excuse to not train so hard. if only theyd known how much pain i had to endure just to play. i guess theyll never believe me. they never did before anyways.
but yeah, feeling like shit just because you cry is kind of a very sick feeling. all my life i was told it was shameful of me to cry. now i physically cannot cry in response to real-life situations unless it’s to do with my globophobia or my grandparents. like. it takes very little for me to cry over videos/books/etc, because i am an extremely emotional person, but it takes a lot, and i do mean a LOT, to make me cry in a real-life setting. if you ever see me break down in real life, my insides are probably going haywire. like, you do not want to touch me or talk to me or be anywhere near me when i’m crying.
i always feel like shit after i cry as well. the shame is enough to stop me from talking or feeling anything for hours (sometimes even days) and the humiliation is enough to reinforce the no-crying mechanism that’s been hardwired into my body. growing up with parents constantly scolding you for crying over things like being hurt (physically/emotionally) or like being terrified about having no friends in a new school really forced me to keep all my emotions inside me. and yknow. that’s not exactly ideal. because i have a lot of emotions all the time and if i were to mess up and let them spill out, a floodgate opens and i’m overwhelmed. and then i don’t know what to do.
i implore you to never tell children not to cry over things like getting hurt. if they’re crying over trivial things like spilling a bit of ice cream on their old shirt then, yeah, i mean, do what you must to help them realise that that isn’t that big of a deal, but please don’t ever shame kids for crying. i think it really messed me up. now i’m trying to unlearn it because it obviously is okay to cry, especially when you’re hurting on the inside, but it’s taking a while. it’s taking years and years and years, and maybe one day i’ll be more comfortable with showing how i truly feel but i doubt that’ll come soon.
see you soon.