so recently, i performed at a concert – it was the first time ever i took to a stage (well there was that once in kindergarten but that hardly counts), and it was incredible.
stage fright was always something i struggled with. i mean, i already clam up whenever there’re more than 5 people talking around me, so you can imagine how terrifying it is for me to stand in front of 50++ people & sing – and sing well at that. i have no idea why i agreed to take part in this in the first place, and i have no idea why i stuck with it even though my friend gave me outs whenever i felt like i couldnt do it. some part of me wanted to get rid of the stage fright asap i think, and that part seemed to take control whenever my friend asked if i really did want to quit.
i’m immensely grateful that i didn’t withdraw, though. this experience taught me so much about perseverance, confidence, and support. huge thanks to my friends who encouraged me and held me up when i felt like i was crumpled and defeated, who always believed in me even though i barely believe in myself, and who treated me with nothing short of perfect patience and understanding. it’s without a doubt that i say that i could never have gotten through this stressful (well i mean, i make most things stressful in my mind), time-consuming but all around wonderful adventure.
though there were days/weeks when i felt incredibly exhausted and incredibly ready to give up, there were others when i felt motivated and inspired to continue to practice over and over again, and i will always remember those nights i’d burst into song in the middle of my room and spin, spin, spin to the music until my head was dizzy and my chest lighter than it’d been that entire day. i guess i’ve learnt just how much i love music and how much i love being a part of it — i’m seriously considering doing a double major in uni now, one in ecology and one in theatre (i’m super interested in musicals and such), but if i’m unable to do that, you can bet your lil butt that i’m gonna keep singing and dancing around in my room alone.
as i’d expected, though, being up on that stage after months of rehearsals felt scary and foreign and all kinds of wrong at first. and at second. and even at third when we had to perform for real. but it was unforgettable. the rush and the thrill i got just from stepping onto those lacquered wooden planks (even if the maroon curtains were drawn and intermission music was playing) can never be replaced. i felt like a right fool, running and dancing up and down the stage in an attempt to assuage my nerves, but in a strange and extremely unfamiliar way, the stage became to feel like home. although we’d only been on it thrice, and although i was shaking and scared before/during/after the performance, i felt a tiny tingling that reminded me of the time i realised that i loved being in the water, even though i hated swimming of the time. it’s strange, because while i was all kinds of anxious while on stage, i was smiling too – i was proud of us, proud of my friends, and proud that we actually got on stage and put on a decent show (so my friends tell me). i felt so energised and silly on stage that i think i forgot to be self-conscious. i forgot to think about how i’d look like, if my shirt was okay or if my skirt was tilted. i fell into the music the moment my friends started playing and never wanted to be yanked back out.
maybe i’m constructing romanticised images again, but i genuinely would never ever have had this experience any other way. the butterflies in our stomachs as we rushed down to backstage, the little group hugs we had before and after our performance, the long and sweltering walks we shared to daniel’s house — these are the things i will remember for a long time to come, and these are the things i already miss with all my heart.
so much of my time was spent trying to sing better these past few months, such that i’ve neglected many other parts of my life (mainly the social and academic and fitness aspects, oops), but it was worth it.
i have nothing but gratitude for the people who have supported me thus far. dylan, gabby and daniel, on the very off-chance that you’ll read this, thank you for being there for me every step of the way, and thank you for being so kind and caring and understanding when i’m nothing but a ball of nerves and self-deprecation. you guys mean so much to me and i’m so glad we met on the Taiwan exchange programme. we’ll definitely go back to the esplanade to record a few songs after As!!
as this is already excessively long, i think i’d better end here. there’re no lessons tomorrow (yay for founder’s day holidays!!) but i have yet to catch up on the work i’ve neglected these few weeks.
see you (maybe) soon with another post!! i hope the week has treated you well (: