#120 – failings and fallings


i tend to only write here when i’m upset. i wonder why.

so i’ve found a new workplace — still in the f&b business but much more front-line than before. work is great because my coworkers are lovely but there are still times when i slip up, mess up, screw up and take it extremely hard, even when no one is looking. 

i am a forgetful person. i tend to forget important things and this is definitely not an ideal trait in any profession – it’s so horribly destructive that i doubt anyone would enjoy working with someone like me – much less in ths f&b line where you have to remember 1001 things at all times. everyone is kind and patient and understanding, and i’ve only been working here for about 5-6 weeks, but they’ve already become a sort of family to me.

i am afraid of disappointing people. i am terrified of disappointing people i hate, much less people i like. i think all my close friends have seen me absolutely crushed or destroyed because i failed to live up to expectations (be it my own or others) before. the most vivid one i can remember is breaking down and completely losing it during j2 when i realised that i wasn’t studying enough, that i wasn’t good enough to get the grades i wanted (well there was also the one time i cried publicly from pain during training but i try not to think about that). i blanked out and lost everything — my focus, my drive, my energy, my memory. it was as if to protect myself my body and brain had to shut down. 

i am absolutely petrified of disappointing anyone. i know that it’s silly, that i shouldn’t place my worth in other’s hands, but i have always been this way and it’s difficult to change my mindset. the moment i feel as if someone has a less-than-stellar impression of me, i start to shut down. i start to lose hope and fervour. which, yknow, is way worse than just brushing it off & continuing on my merry way. i’ve been good at hiding it recently, i think — no one has called me out on my bluff yet, and one of my coworkers even believes i am an extrovert! how peculiar and strange. i cannot believe that i’ve managed to keep up this exterior for so long when i am so near them every single day.

they have yet to see me when i am Gone, i believe. repressing is at an all time high now. although i genuinely love and enjoy work and ache to return to stand alongside my coworkers (& friends), i am still anxious and worried about what will happen when i am Gone. will i be able to handle it like a robot? will my forced smiles fade only to be replaced by a clean mask of politeness and stoicism? 

knowing myself, showing up to work Gone or suddenly being plunged into the abyss during work is an inevitable circumstance. i must learn how to deal with it. i must learn how to be at my top form even when i am breaking down on the inside. even if that is unhealthy, i can let go after. everything happens after, like a dam that holds back the river till people deem it ready to let go. 

this is not strength. because i am a coward. because i am not strong enough to face my real problems and solve them. instead, i hide beneath and procrastinate. and put it off. and put it off.

i wish i could stop being like this. i wish i could stop looking to others for approval and validation. it isn’t easy. i will try my best to find my own worth. confidence makes life run smoother, i think. hesitation due to fear will hurt you. 

well, that was a heavy post. i needed to get it out, i suppose.

see you (probably not) soon with a new update, future!me.



#111 – bad days and bad nights

hello future!sonia.

i guess i have to accept that the emptiness and the sadness are legitimately part of my daily life. 

i’m not gonna lie. i thought it was because of stress and studies that i constantly felt so down and worn out. i thought that with As gone that i’d just be on an upward trajectory and leave all the hurt behind. 
i was wrong. and it took the entirety of today to figure that out.

please trust me. please trust yourself, future!sonia. i know you’ll think i’m being melodramatic & that i’m making it all up in my head. i know how paranoid you are. but please trust me.

trust me when i say that i now can confirm that it isn’t a stress thing. the past 2 days have been nothing but mirth (dinner + htht with valerie, bbq with TIP & concert + dinner with elliot & jonah) and companionship. work is hardly a stressor since you enjoy it, and yet. and yet. and yet.

the weight is still pushing down on your chest. the hands are still around your throat. and you still have no idea why you’re suddenly numb and hollow when you were singing your lungs out to a happy song just moments before. 

you took a nap in a bid to get rid of the sudden urge to stop. it didn’t help. you feel nothing and yet you feel everything — the ache, the constriction, the dull pain that resides everywhere and nowhere at once. fleeting but omnipresent. 

you caught yourself just as you were dissociating and forced yourself into a nap. now you’re not even sure if what you’re seeing and thinking and typing is really happening. your brain’s slowed down and your movements are mechanical at best.

future!sonia, if you get this message, this isn’t a dream.

bad days and bad nights still happen. you should probably get checked out. you should probably stay in a safe place surrounded by safe people. 

i’m still learning. i’m still hoping against hope that ignoring it will make it go away. because it’s easier that way.

i’ve been so weary for so long. every day is another opportunity to forget. and repress. and shove a lid on it because confronting it scares me to no end.

i guess i have to one day. i guess i have to stop being such a meek little cowardly thing and confront it to beat it.

i thought it was over. damn. 

this was a bad day. this is a bad night. 

see you maybe, future!sonia.

#107 – of days past

hello!! (:

soooo i took an extremely long hiatus from this blog… oops. after the last post, things got crazy & too much for me to keep posting, and i’ve been going out every single day since As ended (since nov 29) .-. this christmas weekend is the only time i have from nov 29 – dec 30 when im not going out & can stay at home to recuperate, so im gonna milk this weekend for all its worth

before i forget though, i’ll do a quick rundown of the past month or so!! i’ve missed so many of my friends & have been filled with so much love and happiness this month that i feel quite emotional just thinking about it. well, here we go, future sonia:

nov 29 – A’s ENDED!!!! went to century square to get your face/brows threaded with han (:

nov 30 – tried to learn how to cycle in the morning with dennis (failed) & accidentally swore near to deo’s mom @@ dennis felt so bad about it he bought a bottle of water for you & you were touched if not a bit disappointed in yourself. met up with the batch at eunos to celebrate boaz’s bday!! rae, bert, joy & sha were there too (: travelled to ECP (with a tiny lil hiccup cause boaz put in the wrong address to the uber) & got the tandem bike which you shared with rae + sha!! learned how to cycle a bit at kallang stadium (not before slamming into the side of marina barrage when bert tried to teach you & you freaked tho), so it was a phenomenal day in all (:

dec 1 – went to dylan’s house to try recording a song!! unfortunately your vocals werent used cause they were not to the same beat as the instruments but its okay because you made new friends + learned more about music production (:

dec 2 – ramon, amanda + setho came over to your house!! yall ate sushi, played card games & chilled. (hadnt seen them in what felt like years but yall still had a great time)

dec 3 – chilled day where you went out for a massage!! didnt do much this day (i think) but it was still a good break (:

dec 4 – went over to han’s house to bake an avocado lemon cake for evan’s bday!!!!! han taught u about all things girly (she painted your nails black + did your brows) & gave you a lot of food. yall also talked about pentatonix a lot (because you love them, especially mitch grassi) + just had a sublime time in general. the avocado cake turned out amazing & yall were so happy about it!! then came the time to surprise evan at her house — it was 9pm & she was still napping (having gotten home at around 5-6??) so yall had to be sneakysneaky. emmanuel took a video of yall sneaking in with the cake, candles lit, before bursting into song. evan genuinely thought you were her family/church friends & when she realised who you were she was so shocked & surprised (she also thought the cake smelled of chicken & you thought it was you cause you ate chicken doria from saizeriya earlier)!! yall sat around eating the cake & talking for a while before you & han had to go home. it was a stellar night all around. yayy

dec 5 – htht-ed with nadine in the morning in school before meeting yongqi to plan the taiwan trip!! planning went smoothly (yall didnt follow the itinerary when yall were there tho lol) (:

dec 6 – went to new2u with yongqi!! + had a vegetarian lunch at fortune centre (: you found some really nice clothes (you spent $42 in total omg) and were very happy for the rest of the day

dec 7 – baked at zimin’s house with the rest of creebeebee (except alice who couldnt make it ):)!!!!! yall baked peach-mango sponge cakewiches with peach filling + cream cheese frosting (: it was delicious!!!! yall had pizza for lunch & western food (you had the fish & chips) for dinner. watched the great escape (cried), talked a lot about random things & just chilled with people youd missed for ages and ages. so full of love for this bunch.

dec 8 – prom!!!! (+ pansexual pride day!) you had a chill morning & afternoon before starting to prepare for prom — you wore a black dress, black faux leather jacket & your black&white skechers sneakers. you had an incredible time sitting next to china (who u have some cool photos with) and talking to all the friends who made RI great (: before prom (cause you got there wayyy too early), you and joshua hung around waiting for your other friends to arrive & had a good time just chatting (: the rest of prom was just full of running around to take photos, subtly eating from the non-lactose-intolerant-designed menu & having a great time with your friends. yayayayay.

dec 9 – met jonah in the morning to “cycle” (hahahahahahahah you didnt cycle) and take photos!! havent seen him in months so this was way overdue (: then you met han for lunch at fortune centre & went to chinatown to eat cakes from well dressed salad bar!! though yall were caught in a downpour otw back to the mrt station, you had a good time with han (ofc you did you always do) & went home feeling happy

dec 10 – national gallery with evan!!! both of you were late (by like 30-40mins oops) but after lunch yall had fun walking around the museum & reading things for like 4-5h. your legs + brain were dead by the end of the day BUT you had an amazing time with evan (as usual)!! #soniagelyn

dec 11 – you met up with claire!! FINALLY after so many long months!!!! + you finally tried the acai bowl youve been talking about for years & loved it (you spend the next few days before taiwan making blueberry nicecream bowls to try & recreate the taste), yall walked along scape & chanced upon some questionable activity, and just htht-ed & chilled & had a wonderful time as usual. took lots of selfies & ate too much food & found VEGAN!!!! green tea popcorn from muji that was delicious.

dec 12 – went out with gitta & valerie to try this vegetarian place in katong shopping centre!! valerie was ~1h late cause she was having stomach problems so you & gitta ate first. after that you guys walked around trying to find things to do but ended up just sitting at the water playground on the rooftop of I12 playing heads-up & chilling for ages. you hadnt seen them in soooo long so this was veryvery welcome.

dec 13 – new2u with kel!!!! it was a successful trip yet again (you FINALLY found a pair of denim shorts omg) & yall had long john silver for lunch (hadnt eaten here in years) before catching moana which made you cry like a baby (every single time a stingray came on, waterworks). after that you had dinner at fortune centre with rae ann & htht-ed with her while walking around bugis+ for ages. this day was so full of love and companionship ahh.

dec 14 – went to changi city point with erjie & mama to buy skechers!! you bought 2 pairs of shoes (one colourful & one b&w) and walked around getting last minute supplies for taiwan. then you went home to rest a lil before heading to the airport to catch your!!! flight!!!!

dec 15 to 22 – taiwan trip!! will post the details of this soon (as this post is already exceedingly long), but you basically had an amazing time spending it with your marvellous friends (:

dec 23 – job interview part 1!! you were really nervous beforeduringafter the interview but it went smoothly & you were sooo relieved when it was over!! you also went to chris’s house for a class christmas dinner & realised just how much you missed your classmates. i love you 3B i dont ever wanna leave

okay that’s the quick summary of my holiday thus far!! dw future!sonia, youll get details of the taiwan trip eventually.

see you soon(?) with the next post!!

– sonia

#93 – sunset by the reservoir


these few weeks/months have been really stressful & crazy & busy, so to stop myself going crazy i decided to venture to the reservoir opposite my home and take some sub-par shots with my phone. here are a few shots (unedited, as im sure u can tell ><) (:


as i was walking, the sun was setting behind me. i had this random thought of “wow, the pink sky’s following me”, as if i was leading the rays of pink dancing across beautiful fabric-like clouds that folded and curved in on itself.

i forget to appreciate nature sometimes, but god, sometimes there is nothing better than walking along a reservoir with a cold, refreshing drink in hand & witnessing one of the most common yet most bewitching phenomenons in the world. sometimes that’s all you need to clear your head and renew your drive. nature really is magnificent.


#87 – covers and thingamajigs

hello!! (:

so recently, i performed at a concert – it was the first time ever i took to a stage (well there was that once in kindergarten but that hardly counts), and it was incredible.

stage fright was always something i struggled with. i mean, i already clam up whenever there’re more than 5 people talking around me, so you can imagine how terrifying it is for me to stand in front of 50++ people & sing – and sing well at that. i have no idea why i agreed to take part in this in the first place, and i have no idea why i stuck with it even though my friend gave me outs whenever i felt like i couldnt do it. some part of me wanted to get rid of the stage fright asap i think, and that part seemed to take control whenever my friend asked if i really did want to quit.

i’m immensely grateful that i didn’t withdraw, though. this experience taught me so much about perseverance, confidence, and support. huge thanks to my friends who encouraged me and held me up when i felt like i was crumpled and defeated, who always believed in me even though i barely believe in myself, and who treated me with nothing short of perfect patience and understanding. it’s without a doubt that i say that i could never have gotten through this stressful (well i mean, i make most things stressful in my mind), time-consuming but all around wonderful adventure.

though there were days/weeks when i felt incredibly exhausted and incredibly ready to give up, there were others when i felt motivated and inspired to continue to practice over and over again, and i will always remember those nights i’d burst into song in the middle of my room and spin, spin, spin to the music until my head was dizzy and my chest lighter than it’d been that entire day. i guess i’ve learnt just how much i love music and how much i love being a part of it — i’m seriously considering doing a double major in uni now, one in ecology and one in theatre (i’m super interested in musicals and such), but if i’m unable to do that, you can bet your lil butt that i’m gonna keep singing and dancing around in my room alone.

as i’d expected, though, being up on that stage after months of rehearsals felt scary and foreign and all kinds of wrong at first. and at second. and even at third when we had to perform for real. but it was unforgettable. the rush and the thrill i got just from stepping onto those lacquered wooden planks (even if the maroon curtains were drawn and intermission music was playing) can never be replaced. i felt like a right fool, running and dancing up and down the stage in an attempt to assuage my nerves, but in a strange and extremely unfamiliar way, the stage became to feel like home. although we’d only been on it thrice, and although i was shaking and scared before/during/after the performance, i felt a tiny tingling that reminded me of the time i realised that i loved being in the water, even though i hated swimming of the time. it’s strange, because while i was all kinds of anxious while on stage, i was smiling too – i was proud of us, proud of my friends, and proud that we actually got on stage and put on a decent show (so my friends tell me). i felt so energised and silly on stage that i think i forgot to be self-conscious. i forgot to think about how i’d look like, if my shirt was okay or if my skirt was tilted. i fell into the music the moment my friends started playing and never wanted to be yanked back out.

maybe i’m constructing romanticised images again, but i genuinely would never ever have had this experience any other way. the butterflies in our stomachs as we rushed down to backstage, the little group hugs we had before and after our performance, the long and sweltering walks we shared to daniel’s house — these are the things i will remember for a long time to come, and these are the things i already miss with all my heart.

so much of my time was spent trying to sing better these past few months, such that i’ve neglected many other parts of my life (mainly the social and academic and fitness aspects, oops), but it was worth it.

i have nothing but gratitude for the people who have supported me thus far. dylan, gabby and daniel, on the very off-chance that you’ll read this, thank you for being there for me every step of the way, and thank you for being so kind and caring and understanding when i’m nothing but a ball of nerves and self-deprecation. you guys mean so much to me and i’m so glad we met on the Taiwan exchange programme. we’ll definitely go back to the esplanade to record a few songs after As!!

as this is already excessively long, i think i’d better end here. there’re no lessons tomorrow (yay for founder’s day holidays!!) but i have yet to catch up on the work i’ve neglected these few weeks.

see you (maybe) soon with another post!! i hope the week has treated you well (:


#84 – blood. blood and nerves. and multi-potential.

a post for future!sonia:

so the past few weeks have been busy & tiring & all kinds of stressful due to the upcoming exams… this post’ll probably be short cause while i dont wanna forget everything ive done thus far, i also need to get back to studying (it’s 9pm now & i need to face the fact that i am horrible at Bio & shouldve started on it earlier ugh) before bedtime.

let’s do a quickquick run-down of key things that happened the past 5 weeks. if i can remember them. i will consult the faithful RI planner.

April 30 – watched Augmentum, the dance concert, after watching bowling Masters. dear future!sonia, you have some embarrassing footage of Bert on your phone (if you kept your stuff that is) from that night. (use it well)

May 7 – took the SATs: the room was freezing & the constant short breaks were confusing. you were nervous about eating food in the room but gave up caring when you realised you brought awesome bread in. (i hope youre not as much of a glutton now as you were then?? i hope)

May 20 – watched the RI production of All My Sons, which was all kinds of amazing. there was a magnificent & impressive set & you had a great night.

May 28 – you went to the book launch of Bert & Rae. it was really cool but you had to leave for rehearsals/recordings. earlier that day you found out that the busking the next day was cancelled, and you were depressed for about a minute before bouncing back. dude, i’m proud of you for not sinking into the sadness youve been known to indulge in. good job!

May 30 – you took a mock lit paper that was 3h long & your butt nearly died. you ran out halfway to use the bathroom and ran back, but still didnt manage to finish 2/3 essays. sigh. you tried?

June 1 – you met with Han for a sushi express lunch (as usual) & ate 6 plates. 6 plates. why did you do that? it was $10.80 & i think you took more than one plate of dessert (unsurprisingly). it was a good lunch though.

June 3 – went to the bestbro’s place & booked Scoot flights to Taipei. Scoot didn’t ask for passport details & you & the bestbro freaked out for a bit. then you guys went to Kyushu Pancakes for AWESOME (and super expensive) Matcha Tiramisu pancakes (they were $18.80?! what). you guys then went to Plaza Sing for snacks cause neither of you felt like studying. oops.

June 4 – attended a very wedding-dinner-like birthday party with your family & got mahjong chocolate for a gift. also you ate the bestbestbest piece of fried cod w/ garlic youve ever eaten in your life. goodness this fish was amazing

June 7 – last physio session for the foreseeable future. i hope you havent had to go back since then!

June 8 – went to Heather’s house for a lunch/tea & a surprise birthday celebration for Chris! it was amazing & you had a great time with the 100-plus scavenger hunt, planning it & all.

June 10 – you went to a Mr. Maker live show with your sis + your niece & nephew for some reason. it was a very confusing 1.5h but hey you got KFC at the end of it so i guess it balances out??

June 15 – you went to Tampines with your sis for some errand-running (she convinced you to buy a H&M dress, the first & maybe last thing you own from there. it looks & feels good tho) & did next to no work. oops.

June 16 – received your SAT scores, which i hope youve burned into your brain. not bad for someone whose only studying involved using the SAT Practice App in the 2 weeks leading up to the test…

June 17 – YOU WATCHED LES MIS & IT WAS INCREDIBLE. Eponine was your life’s goal for the day, and Javert was who you want to meet for real so you can smack him up the head & shout “YOU ARE THE MAN WHO CAN’T CHANGE”. regardless, you loved them & you wanted to watch it again. i hope you’ve since managed to catch the West End version! and i hope that by now youre able to sing On My Own without sounding like your throat is made of rocks!

June 18 (wow these were some eventful few days) – you helped your big sis with a dog charity event at her estate & it was awesome. you walked Zoey & met about a dozen different dogs and it was awesome. dogsdogsdogs. also you got to eat swiss rolls & curry puffs so i mean it kind of balances the non-studying?

June 20 – went to Mustafa with the real bro & bought nut milks & spices thatll last you at least 3 years (cause who buys 200g of cinnamon for one person?!).

and today’s June 23 & nothing interesting’s happened since June 20. this has been an incredibly boring listing of random and probably seemingly unimportant events, but it’s taken you 20mins to type them all down anyways.

back to the books (& self-loathing) i go. dear future!sonia, i hope that by now youve sorted out the whole anxiety attacks thing that’s associated with studying for too long or with a certain topic in Biology. i also hope that you didnt blank out during your major tests/exams because we both know how important those are/were… if you did it’s fine, we’ll get there one day yeah?

see you (sometime) with another catch-up dummy. hope you’re doing good.