31 p.s. (revisited)

oh goodness seriously when did this blog become an amateur poetry dump

a season passes, it’s like nothing’s changed

the steam hisses and napkins’re neatly arranged

i drag a chair out and pull it close up to the bar

i hear you whistling and conjure up a guitar

it’s the quiet rays of dusk that filter in here

after the coffee stops dripping, after you polish the lacquer

it’s the smile on your face that lets me know i’ve come home

and eyes that you roll fondly as you hand me a cup of joe

it’s her laugh that sends my heart stumbling into joy

and her smirks that warm my soul, no matter how coy

i cough teasingly into her crushing embrace, closing my eyes

it’s the moment her arms let me go that i utterly despise

never thought i’d find a home in pancakes and coffee

never thought i’d come to love the weight of the plates i once carried

never thought that people could make me grin so silly

never thought that walking out’d make my heart feel so heavy

when the next season comes this’ll all go

i know if i come next i’ll feel hopelessly alone

but this love and journey i’ll forever hold close

and lay all that’s past to a state of repose.


3 month changes


the sauces, they spoil, all at once,

not one by one, not happenstance.

the room is gutted, cleaned and swiped,

so’s my chest, grim, underripe.

this is home, this is home,

but i’m not. i stand alone.

wind chimes i never once enjoyed,

play a cacophony never to fill this void.

barely a season’s passed right here,

but thirteen years’ve just disappeared.

as if i’ve no veins left to pound,

my haven, they took, without a sound.

it’s home, here’s your home,

but i’m not. i stand alone.

halfway through, cant rid this hurt

my blood throbs, my mind blurs


just a really half-assed thing because i’ve been thinking about things (what a surprise sonia) and i need a place to put those thoughts. oops. sorry for bad writing i feel like i havent done anything forever

you’ve got your big eyes and big dreams.
can’t see forever, but i can hear you scream
’bout how you want this and how you need that
you smile carelessly, never thought you were a threat.

then you went and messed with my mind
played those games – left me behind –
knew i couldn’t trust those hazel fires
knew it’d be better to cut the wire

but still. thank you for the views i now see,
thank you for the well overdue epiphany
now i know that clear skies take time.
now i realise what i want to call mine.

you see, i’ve gone and tested the waters
parted white waves, danced ‘gainst deep forces
lost myself amongst a myriad of sores,
and found my legs stumbling back to those shores –
where the fresh sun hits my tired aching feet,
where the gritty sand buries weight but not me,
where there’re gulls screeching in my ears
where i dream of spending all my years.

without those toxic nights of “why”,
or your nonchalant eyes saying “goodbye”,
i think i’d be better off on this beach
than listen to you make your speech.

and if the shores won’t pay me heed,
i’ll pack my bags. i’ll get my steed.
for lonely roads and lonely times
are still far better than calling you mine.

yep. fairly obvious and possibly suicidal to post this on a public space, but fuck it i do what i want and i can say whatever i want about whatever i write anyways. somethingsomething disclaimer: any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental somethingsomething

o wells. see this blog in another 1-2months probably (whatever happened to the weekly counting thing??? when i have time i suppose i’ll redo that)

see you



it goes. and. and. and.

of course i miss you.

of course i’m going to hear you when you’re not there and see you when my eyes are closed.

of course there’s a quiet melancholy when the rain hits the window i keep out of sight, when the light i turn on is too cold and too harsh and too reminiscent of times spent in another place.

of course i’ll let myself go. escaping and tumbling into something i barely understand, fighting furiously to keep my head above waves i can barely see — of course it’s difficult and of course it’s confusing.

sometimes i let myself think of the stars.

i havent seen them in so long. are the ones i saw months ago still shining? or have they stopped burning years ago? all that yearning and beauty and incomprehensibility for a dead ball of gas. for that post-mortem glimmer of hope and possibility.

of course i miss that. of course i miss them.

but there’s not a single doubt in my mind when i say — of course i want to be here.

of course i chose this for myself.

i’ve struggled between (what i’ve felt were my) responsibilities/duties/obligations and what i’ve wanted before. of course it isn’t new, and of course it still weighs as heavily on my chest when night falls and when my eyes grow weary.

of course sometimes it hurts so much i can’t breathe. of course sometimes i try to cry but no tears flow. i’d known all along that this wouldn’t be a cure-all. would’ve been incredibly foolish to believe in something even half as insane as that.

but yknow. i’ll take one step at a time. and i’ll move as fast as i can and i’ll learn as much as i can before i’m too exhausted to carry on anymore.

because, because, because, of course, of course, it’s all i can do. it’s all i know how to do. and of course, i’ll do my best.

be patient. when you read back on this you’ll be glad. i promise.


#134 – enchanting evenings


yay finally a non-sad post!! rejoice, rejoice (and fall to your knees)

two days ago, ECC had our annual choir concert at SOTA πŸ˜„ we’d spent months rehearsing for 1.5h of stage time & though i felt ready before, the moment they told us to get into our rows to go on stage, i felt like my stomach was gonna drop out of my body.

in the lead-up to this concert there were many stressful & frustrating moments. i was tired and demoralized (and ready to throw in the towel at times), but the elation and joy at being on stage again eventually swept all of it away. 

seeing my friends there was a huUUUuge plus too!! thank you to joshua, han, evan, dylan, chris, jaya, ericka, jarret, sheng, yan, tasha, tricia, amanda, setho & ramon for coming!!!! & manymany thank yous to my other friends (sheena, qd, dennis, valerie, gitta, dawn, alex & ritika) for supporting & encouraging me throughout these few months of exhausting rehearsals!!! what would i do without you ;__;

couldnt have done it without some super special choir members as well — to the kids & youths section, thank you so much for always being energetic enough to raise my energy levels during rehearsals!!! you guys are so Cute and Beautiful and i couldnt imagine choir without each and every one of you there to perk me up. the little 7-Up & Murderer breaks we had (during which i was constantly eating) genuinely lifted my mood, so thank you!!!! and to the adults, notably lynn, elise & acid, thank you for always being there to guide and assist us during rehearsals!! i really enjoy hanging out with you & your kids!!!!! let’s hang out again soon ✌

and of course, much gratitude to our conductor ms khor & our accompanist bertrand!! rehearsals were extremely productive thanks to your quick understanding of each other and of the music. it was really a treat getting to sing for (& with) you and i hope we did you proud!!

still reallyreally full on love and happiness from saturday 😊😊 dont know when this quiet high will fade but i will keep it in mind the next time i’m feeling worn out during rehearsals. one down, 3 to go. whew πŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺ

dear future!sonia, i hope you still feel the same sweeping joy when you step out on stage next. i know you might be too busy to perform but i hope you made time for it, cause you truly love it. to help jog your memory, here are some photos from saturday. cause why not 😊😊

yay for concerts and yay for butterflies in your stomach and yay for the applause 😊 cant wait to perform again!!! 22&23 july, we’re coming for you ✌✌✌

see you (maybe) soon!!!

– sonia

#125 – the first goodbye


wow i really do only sit down to writeΒ when i’m sad… this is slightly depressing…

anyway, to preface this, today was a great day — i went to CSB to hang before i met with Tiffy for lunch (at Real Food! i had a vegan lentil croquette burger with 3 onion rings & vegan potato salad), then we walked & talked & i had a mango ice cream scoop from Pong!! we ended the hang with me walking her to her physiotherapy appointment & i went off to meet Fish, Ma & Pa for a quickquick bite.

foundΒ myself walking down a very interesting street to a little, little cafe at Telok Ayer Street, where we sat on high chairs and ate/talked/messed around for an hour or so.

during this short, short hour, it transpired that fish was swimming away from us, and that today was fish’sΒ last day. had i not accepted the spontaneous offer to join them (who had also spontaneously decided to get a meal), i wouldn’t have discovered this very important piece of news till it was too late.

my reaction to this is probably melodramatic, as i’ve always known that no one at CSB would stay forever (i mean, everyone is ridiculously young — they have so many options and so many avenues to try out, so why would they stay at one place?), but something about my friend leaving right in front of me hit me hard.

i always looked forward to seeing fish. every day i walked through the back door, my instinct was to check the kitchen to see if she was there. if i saw her i’d get a surge of joy, of excitement that my friend was here and that i’d be spending at least a few hours working with her. if she wasn’t downstairs, i’d trod on up, hoping to see her there instead. some days she was, some days she wasn’t. i’d go on all the same. it never affected me — i think as humans we deceive ourselves by believing in permanence; in forever.

one of my other co-workers once said that “there’s no such thing as forever”, which, yknow, is very true. some things are lasting, some things are fleeting, but nothing’s gonna persist for an indefinite, infinite amount of time.

we see the world through hopeful, idealistic glasses when we talk about forever. when we talk about permanence. then something changes and it shakes us more than it should. we were always prepared — so why does it still hurt? are weΒ hard-wired toΒ subconsciously believe in forever? so that we can carry on with our routines, so that we can anchor ourselves to a comfortable period in our lives?

i’ve talked about how the constant changing motion of society calms and excites me simultaneously. it means that there will be progress. it means that there will be obstacles. it means that there will be solutions. stagnation scares me to no end.

but it still hurts. it still shocked me to learn that my friend, who i believed would be with me till i left for university, was leaving when i’d just barely begun to know her.

of course i wish her well — all i want is for her to be happy, and if she has to leave to find happiness, then i will hug her goodbye and miss her presence for weeks.

a new norm will worm its way into my life. it’ll never be the same (where can i find another fish so enigmatic and beautiful?), but a new norm will come to be. i know i’m being too dramatic, too exaggerated. all that sits in my chest is a quiet melancholy that will go away halfway through the night when i’m trying to beat my MOTN insomnia, and when i wake up tomorrow morning i will be fine. i know this.

and yet.

i’ll miss fish. i never doubted that. i’ll miss everyone eventually, because that’s life and that’s how we function.

so i’ll miss her, and i’ll be okay in the morning, and i’ll go to work as usual and feel the usual things. i’ll stop by the kitchen to see if the rest are there, say hi, and trod on up to see if they’re there too.

if i don’t see them for weeks upon quiet weeks, i’ll swallow the dismay and plonk down as usual, and miss them, and so on and so forth.

i’ll see you with another post soon.


#120 – failings and fallings


i tend to only write here when i’m upset. i wonder why.

so i’ve found a new workplace — still in the f&b business but much more front-line than before. work is great because my coworkers are lovely but there are still times when i slip up, mess up, screw up and take it extremely hard, even when no one is looking. 

i am a forgetful person. i tend to forget important things and this is definitely not an ideal trait in any profession – it’s so horribly destructive that i doubt anyone would enjoy working with someone like me – much less in ths f&b line where you have to remember 1001 things at all times. everyone is kind and patient and understanding, and i’ve only been working here for about 5-6 weeks, but they’ve already become a sort of family to me.

i am afraid of disappointing people. i am terrified of disappointing people i hate, much less people i like. i think all my close friends have seen me absolutely crushed or destroyed because i failed to live up to expectations (be it my own or others) before. the most vivid one i can remember is breaking down and completely losing it during j2 when i realised that i wasn’t studying enough, that i wasn’t good enough to get the grades i wanted (well there was also the one time i cried publicly from pain during training but i try not to think about that). i blanked out and lost everything — my focus, my drive, my energy, my memory. it was as if to protect myself my body and brain had to shut down. 

i am absolutely petrified of disappointing anyone. i know that it’s silly, that i shouldn’t place my worth in other’s hands, but i have always been this way and it’s difficult to change my mindset. the moment i feel as if someone has a less-than-stellar impression of me, i start to shut down. i start to lose hope and fervour. which, yknow, is way worse than just brushing it off & continuing on my merry way. i’ve been good at hiding it recently, i think — no one has called me out on my bluff yet, and one of my coworkers even believes i am an extrovert! how peculiar and strange. i cannot believe that i’ve managed to keep up this exterior for so long when i am so near them every single day.

they have yet to see me when i am Gone, i believe. repressing is at an all time high now. although i genuinely love and enjoy work and ache to return to stand alongside my coworkers (& friends), i am still anxious and worried about what will happen when i am Gone. will i be able to handle it like a robot? will my forced smiles fade only to be replaced by a clean mask of politeness and stoicism? 

knowing myself, showing up to work Gone or suddenly being plunged into the abyss during work is an inevitable circumstance. i must learn how to deal with it. i must learn how to be at my top form even when i am breaking down on the inside. even if that is unhealthy, i can let go after. everything happens after, like a dam that holds back the river till people deem it ready to let go. 

this is not strength. because i am a coward. because i am not strong enough to face my real problems and solve them. instead, i hide beneath and procrastinate. and put it off. and put it off.

i wish i could stop being like this. i wish i could stop looking to others for approval and validation. it isn’t easy. i will try my best to find my own worth. confidence makes life run smoother, i think. hesitation due to fear will hurt you. 

well, that was a heavy post. i needed to get it out, i suppose.

see you (probably not) soon with a new update, future!me.